I think about writing here every now and then. I even have a couple posts written up that are just hanging out as drafts. It's been a difficult year...this used to be the place where I could find and leave my feelings. Now, after the Unpleasantness of late 2010, discerning what is causing what feelings and if I should share them has become - complicated.

I've been in counseling all year. It is hard and I know that good things are coming from it. This weeks appointment? Left me AND my counselor in laughter as she asked, cautiously, "Do you think it could be pregnancy hormones causing some of this?" Why yes, I think it could be. That might also be why the Heifers International story on NPR had me in tears. So here at the end of 2011 nothing is simpler, in fact, if life altering events where strands on a rope, pregnancy hormones have become their own strand, woven like camouflage into everything else.

Baby boy does not yet have a name. Which means he inadvertently gets called Sammy from time to time. I'm guessing he won't have a name until we lay eyes on him. Which feels like FOREVER away. It's amazing how quickly and thoroughly I forgot how uncomfortable pregnancy is.

This little guy doesn't seem to have too many likes...or dislikes for that matter. I went through a no sugar phase, a Sprite phase, and now feel like I'm in the "meh" phase. Nothing tastes right, even if I do think I want it. I haven't really gained any weight yet but I'm starting to look pregnant as opposed to just chubby in the middle.

I've started looking at baby gear. I'm trying to figure out what we'll need and the most practical way to get it. A couple people have offered to let me use some of their infant stuff that's in storage, swings, car seat bases, and extra clothes. I've put together some wall hangings and bought crafty stuff to add to the decor. It's hard to imagine how much life will change.

I found myself thinking about the changes on trip #whoknows to the bathroom one night. 'I better enjoy peaceful interruptions while they last, soon enough I'll be tired and caring for this little one at 1:30am'. I had those thoughts with Sammy but there were a lot more "should be's" at the beginning of those thoughts.

Miss you Sammy.

Thanks for all the rockin' and rollin' high kicks little bro :-)