merry christmas

Thank you Jesus for being born into this world. I wouldn't want to do this life without you.

Thank you baby for having that dance party at 2am, what a great way to start off Christmas morning. And I agree, Hershey's candy cane kisses are the best.

Miss you Sammy, wish you were here to rip some paper and play with all the fun boxes everyone is getting...

I think about writing here every now and then. I even have a couple posts written up that are just hanging out as drafts. It's been a difficult year...this used to be the place where I could find and leave my feelings. Now, after the Unpleasantness of late 2010, discerning what is causing what feelings and if I should share them has become - complicated.

I've been in counseling all year. It is hard and I know that good things are coming from it. This weeks appointment? Left me AND my counselor in laughter as she asked, cautiously, "Do you think it could be pregnancy hormones causing some of this?" Why yes, I think it could be. That might also be why the Heifers International story on NPR had me in tears. So here at the end of 2011 nothing is simpler, in fact, if life altering events where strands on a rope, pregnancy hormones have become their own strand, woven like camouflage into everything else.

Baby boy does not yet have a name. Which means he inadvertently gets called Sammy from time to time. I'm guessing he won't have a name until we lay eyes on him. Which feels like FOREVER away. It's amazing how quickly and thoroughly I forgot how uncomfortable pregnancy is.

This little guy doesn't seem to have too many likes...or dislikes for that matter. I went through a no sugar phase, a Sprite phase, and now feel like I'm in the "meh" phase. Nothing tastes right, even if I do think I want it. I haven't really gained any weight yet but I'm starting to look pregnant as opposed to just chubby in the middle.

I've started looking at baby gear. I'm trying to figure out what we'll need and the most practical way to get it. A couple people have offered to let me use some of their infant stuff that's in storage, swings, car seat bases, and extra clothes. I've put together some wall hangings and bought crafty stuff to add to the decor. It's hard to imagine how much life will change.

I found myself thinking about the changes on trip #whoknows to the bathroom one night. 'I better enjoy peaceful interruptions while they last, soon enough I'll be tired and caring for this little one at 1:30am'. I had those thoughts with Sammy but there were a lot more "should be's" at the beginning of those thoughts.

Miss you Sammy.

Thanks for all the rockin' and rollin' high kicks little bro :-)

a gift

Thursday I came home and found a "missed you!" note from the post office. We had a package waiting for us, from Sammy to Little Bro. *smile* There was a fleet second of worry about something crazy going on but then I realized not that many people have our new address so that means either myself or my mom gave it out to someone.

Dave picked it up and still couldn't figure out who it was from...when he read me the postage mark I knew...it was delivered via some of the sweetest little bunnies I ever babysat, who have had everyone they know at their church praying for this little bro.

That's a couple alligator and monkey sleepers (I just happen to know a great song about some monkey's and an alligator too). The teddy bear plays sounds of the womb, a slow gentle mama's heartbeat which seems very fitting since that is one of the things Sammy and this little guy will have in common, listening to their mama's heartbeat.

Sammy, we'll think of you every time we snuggle for bed in those sleepers and every time a heart beats.

from Sammy...

It's a....

'nother boy!

This pregnancy has been so different I was *convinced* that I was growing a little girly girl in there. No indeed. This little stinker is all boy.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks. 2 weeks ago today someone made a horrible comment about baby 'cido #2 and it basically unleashed all my worst fears about this pregnancy. By the time I returned to school after the Thanksgiving break I could hardly focus on anything...Wednesday I was pretty much unbearable to be around...just ask my kiddos. And the slightest mention of the doctor's appointment had me in tears. Ugh.

We left a little late for the appointment and then there was TRAFFIC. Dave called ahead to the hospital and asked if we could still be seen even if we were 1/2 hour late - essentially showing up after the office had closed. They said yes, but when we got there the lights were all out. It's a wonder I didn't lose it right then. We knocked, someone came out, and we commenced waiting for another 1/2 hour to be seen.

Dave mentioned to the tech that we wanted to know if it was a boy or girl so when she scanned down to that region she told us - our suspicions were correct, it was a girl! Within the minute she had to take it back, with a giggle, "opps, nope, this is a boy". I had the doctor confirm too, because gender neutral is not my deal.

Everything looks good! It was amazing to see...what I could recognize anyway. He's a feisty one. Both the doctor and the tech tried to get good pictures of his face but he was covering it up with his hands...so the doctor threatened to get a 3-d picture of his little bum and boy parts...as she moved the wand down, his parts disappeared and she took a minute to figure out why. The little stinker had covered them up with his hands! So she went back to the top to get a head shot and we watched as his arm moved up the side of his body to cover up his face. His response then was to curl his knees under him and stick his little booty up in the air, face buried in his hands. Too funny. Seems like he'll be able to give Isabel a run for her money (she is a 1 year old Drama Queen - and it is fantastic).

No name yet, we had a girl name picked out and hadn't talked much about a boy name so we're starting from scratch. I go back and forth on wanting to adopt the Jewish tradition of not buying anything for the baby until after it's born...for superstition's sake...but I'm pretty much itching to get him something. So the deal becomes, once we have a place to *put* some clothes or stuffed animals, we can start buying.

OH - the specialist that I've been seeing also had me tested for MTHFR - the disorder that I found out last November could be to blame for Sammy's anencephaly. Sure enough, I have 2 copies of the C677T mutation...all I know that to mean is that my body doesn't absorb folic acid the way it needs to to produce healthy babies AND that somehow contributes to a clotting disorder. Since I didn't start on the extra folic acid until after I found out I was pregnant with #2 (we really need to pick a name - huh) and I didn't find out until 17 weeks that I need to take an aspirin a day to avoid clots in the umbilical cord and whatnot...this baby is extra miraculous.

*smile*