it's all a matter of perspective really

last weekend as I prayed I felt *led* (or whatever) to ask God to prepare my heart. or when I prayed, that's what was coming out, prepare my heart.

prepare my heart.

I spent this week preparing my heart for more of the worst. this last year and a half have been *rough*. full of the unexpected. so I took that prayer to mean I needed to prepare for more of the that. how does one prepare? well, my first grown up job was rough, 3 years of teaching at a school where anything could happen at any moment...I don't want to go too into it but a crazy glimpse for you? getting ready to go on a field trip to see a show (that in itself hurts my feelings) with 60 four year olds and 50 five year olds...ooooh, fire drill, seriously? wait, it's not a drill, someone started a fire on the other side of campus and we're not allowed to go back in. thankfully it was not my first day *smile* so I had all the $$ and permission slips, the buses showed up and we left for our field trip from where we had been standing on the street.

all that to say, at work, most days, I can handle almost anything. so this week I spent time preparing my *mind* for how to handle more of the worst. my counselor just shook her head when I told her my plan. "That's not very realistic." Ha. I assured her my emotions would follow in a normal fashion but I think it's ok to prepare with an unrealistic initial response. laugh or cry, I choose laughing. crying will always come.

Sometime last weekend it occurred to me that my prayer was "Lord, prepare my heart". Not "melissa, prepare your mind". While I think it was good that I planned, I don't think that was God's point.

I would rather build a protective shelter around my heart, hide it in a cave with a big ol' stone in front of the opening...pick and choose who gets to see it, hold it, who gets in. I feel a constant reminder to let it go, keep it from getting brittle from lack of nutrition, or under developed from lack of use. For me, this boils down to trusting God. Trusting that he is big enough to heal my heart every time it gets hurt. Trusting God to lead me to give my heart to help myself and others, not just on a whim. Trusting God that He will get the glory. Trusting God that this is only the beginning of forever.

If this is the beginning of forever...

she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come

proverbs 31:25

there is no fear in love

1 John 4:18

9

And so it continues.

my melt down this week? Typing 9-1 on my lesson plans for next week. September? Last September my belly was full of baby. Living baby.

*sigh* so it continues. the roll downhill to October 7...

it already looks so different...

First days of school! When I think of my class I think of my friend Lindsay's string of gush about cuteness...these are my "angel puff sugarplum babies". Once again I have a fantastic class. Usually I am so over planned on the first days of school we don't have time to get everything done. So far, my kiddos have been so well behaved and full of self determination (ha) to learn how school works that we have cruised through each day and all my activities.

My classroom already looks a lot different than that picture. I've rearranged and changed the wall decor. We painted this week. Paint, kindergarten, 2nd day of school. That's how great they are. Seriously adorable and eager to learn. Looks like this is gonna be a good year.

a struggle, a battle, life is a teeter totter

The Only Exception by Paramore (thought of Sammy when I heard this on Pandora today)

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

*******

During my melancholy moments, that ^ up there is how I feel.

But honestly, I do believe that I have found a peace that plows on through the storm...a joy that jumps over my sadness, a love that lights up every room (thank you Kim Walker for articulating that).

1 John 3:16-18

16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 17 But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? 18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

******

And it is all so hard to reconcile. The ache of love for my child and the commission to love those around me. Truly love...not just with words or platitudes but with action. Love with patience (says the kindergarten teacher). Love with kindness. Love with forgiveness. Love. *I* would rather hide it all away in my heart so that *I* don't have to hurt or be disappointed when the love *I* give is not returned. Maybe it's not all about me...

What a hypocrite.

Thank you Jesus for loving me even though. Even though...

******

School is going well :-) I don't want to jinx myself but it seems I have another great class this year. Only 15 so far, so 3 more will join us in the next few days. Wanna squeeze them all, I'm having a hard time being stern...

*don't you just wanna be thankful for that journal?*

#4 - my fancy new couch bolster

#5 - the book one thousand gifts

#6 - beautiful striped journal

#7 - puppy breath (not pictured here)

10 months...

So I'm a day late this time. I've dropped off the face of the earth a little bit but for good reason this time. We moved on Saturday! (no internet for a while!) And today was the first day of school! Poor planning you say? I agree. But sometimes life just works out that way.

Today was one of the best 1st days in my history of 1st days. I got a thank you note from Laura from String of Pearls and with it a copy of my favorite book One Thousand Gifts and a GENIUS striped notebook for me to start my own list of 1000 things to be grateful for. I left it out today at work so that I would remember to be grateful when I saw it. It worked.

I'm really excited about our new house! It's about twice as big as the last place we lived in and the kitchen! If I made cooking and baking work in that little thing I used to have, I can't wait to see what I can whip up in the new huge one.

10 months was a numb marker for me. Maybe because of the rest of my life craziness...maybe because I had nursery duty and got to hold baby P for a good bit before church...I just love babies. So much. And it's a whole different kind of weird to realize you've been through all the *through* that one needs to go through and should have one...I have always loved babies and now have to get over what I think other people are thinking. Like yesterday I just assumed I was getting the "oh, poor her, loves holding babies and her's died" look. *rolling eyes* I gotta get over this thinking about what other people are thinking junk.

I miss you Sammy. I wish I was watching you crawl after the dogs and keeping you from chewin' on their toys.

rite of passage and welcome!

Lots of people have asked about the walk and honestly, the first word that comes to mind is weird.

It's weird to go to another state to walk in a fundraiser to honor my baby who's dead. It's awkward to cry on the plane on the way there, listening to my sad music, missing my baby wanting nothing more than to hold him.

I did cry at the walk but not while I was walking and not the *whole* time. I started panicking at one point when I couldn't see Sammy's sign. I paid in advance to make sure I got a sign! It was the closest I've been to a panic attack in a few months (oh - I didn't mention that before? yup, I am now the unproud owner of depression and mild panic attacks, thank you 2010). When I went up to take this picture of the dude talking about his experience with String of Pearls I saw Sammy's sign and was able to relax.

*I liked that the speaker was not white. A little racial diversity, not that you can really tell from this photo.*

I had never done anything like this so that made it a little more uncomfortable for me too. I usually feel uncomfortable trying anything new. As we started walking it took a while to get into a conversation. I mean what do you talk about while you walk? *shrug* Mom, Isabel, and I caught up on life and commented on our surroundings...I guess overall not much was said about Sammy other than that his 1, too-short life will help about 19 other families have keepsakes of their babies.

A couple more donations have been made - so exciting. I talked with Laura Huene the director of String of Pearls and she said if anyone donates and makes note of it being in honor of Sammy they will in turn put little notes in the kits saying "In honor of Sammy" or something to that effect. Love it. If you want to donate, it's not too late! You can go to their website and donate there.

I felt like Sammy went through a rite of passage this weekend :-) He was mistaken for a girl. LOL Ya'll, even the small stuff makes him seem a little bit more real. Just sayin'.

I got to meet 2 new families and wish I had had time to talk to others. We were the only team that tried to wear green, there was a light blue team and a red team...purple...and dark blue. Sammy can have the market on green, we just gotta get on the ball for next years t-shirt.

I will totally raise funds for String of Pearls again next year and participate in the RUN. I have a whole year to get myself ready now. No excuses.

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Welcome anyone coming

this way via Kristin's blog!

It was the so fun to hang out with her and have the chance to chat with her in person. She is as amazing in real life as she seems on her blog. Her knowledge of a good tattoo/piercing parlor in the approximate neighborhood we lunched in was what inspired me to finally get it done. Can you even see it in this picture?

I blemish removed the zits and wrinkles, don't be shocked when/if you see me in person. And I worked about 10 hours today so...looking crazy.

And photographic evidence of the day would have been nice *except* it was hot as hades that day and I had to describe myself to Kristin as "the girl right inside the door with big hair who's sweating through her dress"...but that's a story for another day I guess.