The weeks are really flying by! I was just looking at when to plan my first appointment with my new OB and it would be the end of July the week I turn 30 weeks. Jeez...it's going fast I'm gearing up to start work next week, feeling the heat of finding a new doctor (none yet), and feeling the general heat of New Orleans. I finally broke down and bought a maternity swim suit last week so I could get in a pool with out scaring the other swimmers and it was totally worth it.
Hmm. I don't feel like I have a ton of news. I haven't heard back from Wendy, tomorrow it will be a week so I may try her tomorrow. A member of a support group (more on that later) I joined online suggested a website to me that led me to a pro-life doctor who I found it is no longer delivering babies, but through my new principal (more on that later) I was referred to *another* doctor in that same office who is supposed to be amazing. I worked up the courage to call Dr. R's office this afternoon and leave a message with her nurse explaining my situation and that I was looking for a doctor that would be comfortable with it. Either the doctor or the nurse will call me back tomorrow. I've kind of unofficially called this my current hospital systems' last chance, all the doctors I've been in touch with or tried to work with have been within this hospital system. If Dr. R chooses to pass on me and Sammy I am going to try the other big hospital system in town and see if they will step up.
The group I joined is an anencephaly support group and it's been great. I introduced us at just the right time to get a picture of Sammy's name drawn in the sand by one of the parents from the group. I didn't know she had offered to do it and was pleasantly surprised when I found his name in the pictures. The people in the group are wonderful - lotsa recent stories but also a few parents who lost their babies in the 70's and 80's. One family got to spend 6 days with their little girl before she passed. I'm not super active with comments but I read a lot of other people's stories.
I finally caught up with my principal today and she was wonderful! I was happy to get through the explanation with only a hint of tears in my voice. She seems to be understanding and laid out a plan with an associate teacher that should I need any days off before Sammy's born "just because", it will be covered by this teacher. The associate teacher will also be the one taking over when I have maternity leave. The principal even offered to send out an email to the entire staff ahead of time so that next week I don't get too many "Oh - how exciting! When are you due?" comments. I hadn't even thought of a pre-emtpive email. I think I'll be thanking God a lot for this job even if it seems to have come at an awkward time...
I remember a time (kindergarten) when I didn't like reading. And I don't know how, or when, but the rest of my elementary years and going forward I know I have loved reading. I have a style that I like, but will read anything if it will occupy my mind or is the least bit entertaining. All that to say, I love blogs. I don't know when I discovered them, but somehow I did and often refer to a story from "this blog I read". There are 2 recent finds that I want to share with you before I get back on track about reading...
1. Dear Stevie: http://dearbabycook.blogspot.com/ - this blog started as letters to her baby, who was stillborn at 26 weeks...I can relate to much (not all) of her grief and she writes really well. I can't read her blog without ending up a crying mess.
2. Molly Piper: http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/how-to-help-your-grieving-friend/ - she lost her baby at 8 months..went in for a check up and there was no heartbeat. Through this experience she wrote some short blogs about how to help a grieving friend. Read it - I promise they are good.
Ok-back to reading...I shouldn't have been surprised when early one morning I woke up, startled, because I realized at some point in my sleep that we have not read to Sammy. I have bought so many books over the years, knowing they could be used in my class and at some point with my children. I'm not sure why it took so long for me to think of it and then I received an email from someone encouraging me to enjoy all the small things with Sammy, including reading him a book. So we did. I had Dave choose the books and they were books I would not have chosen but we have plenty of time to read others, so I didn't sweat it.
I read a book that I bought for my Rainbow's (church) class a few years ago. It's called "A Heart for Jesus" and explains what it means to give Jesus your heart. I was choking back tears as I read the words of a mother describing to her daughter what it means to give Jesus your heart.
"I didn't give Him the heart that beats in my chest. I gave Jesus my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, and my wishes...He never runs out of joy, courage, patience, or strength...You give Him your feelings - He feels with you. You give Him your thoughts - He thinks with you. You give Him your ideas and wishes - He helps you make those wishes come true."
We read Sammy his first book and it could not have been a more perfect reminder for me. Whether I know it or accept it, Jesus is always there feeling with me, holding the answers and solutions out for me. I think the answers right now are peace, strength, and humility. At least that's what I feel he's offered, I'm sure there are a few more if I slow down and listen. I think the next morning I woke up knowing we had to go to the fireworks on the 4th - I love fireworks and Sammy needs to experience it. :-)
Whew. Guess I found some stuff to write about after all. Please continue praying with us as I search for a doctor. The task often feels overwhelming and unfair...Of course keep praying for a miracle and that we will be prepared no matter what the outcome. I figure sometime soon we will need to figure out how to find a funeral home to use...that's a to-do list check off I never wanna make though.
Please feel free to email us or ask any questions...I promise Sammy is never far from my mind, I'd be surprised if you could ask something I haven't already thought about.
Thank you for all the prayers! I can't say it enough.
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