baby bailey

I heard this week about another sweet baby that is gone too soon.

My heart breaks for the family and I wanted a buffer post between life as it appears here now and my sweet Sammy's story. I eventually appreciated the hope of a full life after such an enormous loss, but initially I wanted to read other's sorrow and find solace in that familiarity.

Our journey with Sammy began in January of 2010. I started this blog sometime that summer. Time is full right now so while this blog seems neglected, know that I am constantly reminded of my baby and his impact on my life. He is always near in my mind.

On the left if you click on the word Sammy it will take you to the beginning of the blog.

november ramblings

I think the pressure released on November 1st. We had a wonderful first weekend of November. 

We went to find a park so I could snap some pictures of Jakers on the run. Don't have time to learn my fancy photo editing software...one day...but this picture captures the awkward toddlery gait almost perfectly. What a precious pumpkin. 

Y'all, I love being a mama. It has challenges and I'm by no means "the perfect mother" but I love love love so much about it. My outside-the-home job makes so much more sense too. For years I got to play mama every day before it became an official title for me. I can see how being a mama makes me a better teacher and being a teacher makes me a better mama. I am thankful for the interwoven nature of these facets of my life. 

It's November 12th and I wish that I had committed to one of those listings of things that I'm thankful for each day of the month. Maybe I will start now anyway.

3 years ago

*sigh*

Well this year wasn't any easier for me than any other year. I don't know if it was any harder...but it certainly wasn't easier. A week and a half later I can't tell you much about what we did. hmm.

I had fall break over that weekend. Thursday hung out with my Jakers, Friday hung out with a couple great friends...Saturday & Sunday are a blur...and Monday I decided I had to make a cake. Jake wasn't feeling well so he hung out on the couch watching back to back PBS with his cup of juice. I've cut back on the baking since June and hadn't had butter in the house for months. I bought some for sugar cookies, which I had made in the weeks leading up to Sammy's birthday, and had enough left over for chocolate buttercream frosting. This cake made up for all the baking I hadn't been doing since June.

We tried to look at the pictures from his birth. But so much has come to light about what life really was as opposed to what I thought it was at that time...that I just look at the pictures and think about all the Ick that came out in 2011.

These last three years have been long. 2012 was a break compared to 2010-2011 and 2013 has had plenty of challenges. I'm just tired. And "celebrating" or not? the birth and death of my first child was once again more than I could fathom. I mean, I'm living it and it still seems unimaginable. I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't really think much about the what if's of having a 3 year old. I had a baby that didn't live. He will always be my baby. He wasn't my 3 year old. But he was my baby. And yet I can't help but occasionally miss him.

We went to Colorado last weekend to spend time with my family. Everyone was there for a quick weekend. Nana bought a bunch of pumpkins for us to carve in honor of Sammy and that was fun. We will all appreciate the fancy pumpkins that we see displayed knowing how challenging our raggedy looking pumpkins were. *smile* We went to visit my brother at his fire station and Dave snapped that picture. I love it. But all I can think is that someone is missing.

For the last 2 years I have started to plan something fun to do in honor of Sammy on his birthday. But when it comes down to it, I get too sad, too distracted trying to not look sad, and too absent minded to commit to anything. Some kind of pressure releases after October 7th and I can get back to my "normal" sad self.

Isabel was looking at pictures on my mom's phone and found the ones of Sammy. We started talking about how his birthday had just passed and she mentioned that he needed candles to celebrate.

Isabel: looking at a picture of Sammy lying in my lap "Did you drive there?"
Me: confused "uh, yes, we drove there."
Isabel: "Is there a door there?"
Me: still confused, realizing she thinks we can just go visit him...
My mom pops into the conversation as the tears stream down my face: "yes, there is a door, and Sammy is there and some day he'll get to walk around and show us all that he's learned."
Isabel: "No Nana, he can't walk, he's just a baby, babies don't walk."

Oh Sammy. You never lived outside my body but you are surely living inside our hearts and our minds. I really hope to hold it together some year and honor you on your day. But this was not that year.

a hole

I did so well. I don't know when it hit really. But looking back I can see it started at least last weekend. I made it until Tuesday, to my group therapy, and then the dam broke.

I am sad.

I want to crawl into a hole and stay for a while.

The fridge is beyond empty. We don't even have a "kukle" (that's pickle in Jake speak). Nothing matters. And it's all sad.

You should be almost 3. Bugging me every day about the theme for your party and asking if today is the day.

So now I'm trying to get all the ugly sad out before your day. Hopefully I can just be "normal" sad for the 7th.

Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.

I am letting myself go.

You Are My Joy - David Crowder Band

'tis the season...again

I guess that's the thing about seasons, they keep comin' back around.

Somehow jack-o-lanterns have become a *thing* that remind me of my forever baby.

Could be this:

yeah, that's it.

And then last year we did this:

So I'm making plans for this year's birthday celebratory pumpkin carving. And eating pumpkin shaped and frosted cookies.

I don't think I've mentioned -the 3 baby boys I know that are due that first week of October. I just put together that that is 3 boys for Sammy's 3rd birthday. Wow, crazy coincidence.

I miss you baby boy. Can't wait to hold you again!

2013 : busy summer

We are busy! I have been working on a few projects for the home and a few for school. We have been one 1 family vacation and had 2 groups of visitors. Jake is busy learning, learning, learning and mama is loving it all.

book shelf = best birthday present ever 

at 14.5 months here is the updated list of your accomplishments little dude: 

sleep: between 11-12 hours a night with inconsistent naps

movement: crawling! and that igor shuffle...no real walking yet but you have been brave enough in the last week to take some unsupported steps. this week when we were in various stores you wanted to get out of the cart and walk next to me. gross motor development is moving right along - you make "the wheels on the bus go 'round, and round" and can be distracted from whatever terror has beset you (diaper change, whatever) with the singing of that song. the itsy bitsy spider is also starting to work it's magic. i have seen you crawl an itsy bitsy up the water spout. 

food: eating like a champ {as usual} but getting a little bit more picky. i never know what you're going to eat so I put a few bites of anything on your tray to see if you'll bite. tonight it was pita dipped in lemon greek yogurt. whatever dude. fruit is FAVORITE ever. bananas and blueberries are at the top of the list. I'm sneaking you vegetables in your quinoa bites and pita pizzas. *wink* you, kinda, fed yourself yogurt with a spoon tonight. it was messy but you sure tried. 

communication: stella! is your official first word. so one else knows that's what you're saying except me and daddy though so i'm not sure if that counts. i guess "boo!" might be your first discernible word, i think other people understand that. in the last couple weeks you've started shaking your head yes and no with intent. usually you start with no and if you really mean yes, you will slow down and nod. i'm getting anxious for more words because we both get very frustrated with the lack of understanding. i know it'll come with time...you already point and comment with that sweet baby gibberish on most of what you see. you bark anytime you see a dog, or almost any 4 legged animal. we're working on the cow's moo and the horse's neigh. you LOOOOOOOVE people. you light up for anyone who's eye you can catch in public. it's amazing to me how comfortable you are on skype, remembering grandparents and the special games you share with each of them. you can find your nose, your eyes, your ears, your tongue, and sometimes your eyebrows. 

play: you are a champ at the high five and since we've been working on knocking on doors you also give knucks. ohhh - and open mouth kisses, and sometimes zerbet kisses. i can keep you busy for 10 minutes with any of the following: a spatula (bonus minutes with a bowl), a cup with ice in it and a straw, a container with something to put in it and take out (in and out, in and out, in and out), a bag with something to take out & put back in (out and in, out and in, out and in), a small ball to throw around, containers with lids, and my phone. you have a sound table in your room that you love and i especially love that you will sit in your little striped chair and look at a book. 10 Little Lady Bugs is a current favorite, along with Pat the Bunny, and Barnyard Dance. seriously, you open a book and start gibbber gabbering away.