our first run/walk

hey ya'll,

So excited. It looks like it will work out for most of the family to participate in the Parker Family 5k/3k run/walk to benefit String of Pearls! I am pumped!

I added a donate button through Paypal, if you would to sponsor our walk and support this excellent organization, click on the button under the CHEEKS! picture. *smile*

String of Pearls is an organization that works to support parents who have received a fatal diagnosis for a baby during pregnancy. Laura was in touch with me through email after my mom reached out to her. They sent a kit for me collect memories of the too short time we had with Sammy...foot molds, the handprint Christmas ornament, a photo book that inspired me to make Sammy's grands and great grands their own brag book...I can't imagine how lame my memory collection would have been if it were not for this organization.

I also used Pearl's birth plan to help guide Sammy's (which I should totally post here, mental note).

Please donate and support this fantastic organization that reaches out to help families at a most difficult time.

**so excited**we're making t-shirts!**they are gonna rock!**

**more info to follow**

no cards for that

*or the one where I ramble on and on about randomly connected events*

woo hoo - almost "summer". Yesterday was our last day with kiddos.

I have Dave's Father's Day gift already and while I was in CVS last night, in the card section, I started looking at cards. Thank goodness I had just had an ice cream cone (Creole Creamery) and was overloaded with caffeine. I was able to laugh and joke with my friend about the lack of Father's Day cards for situations like ours.

I felt my first not-Sammy kicks last night. I got to spend the evening with my friend Lindsay who's due in July and she sat long enough for him to get movin'. I haven't felt a lot of pregnant bellies in my life and last night was the first time I was able to recognize a kick for what it was, and compare it to my own experience. It was shocking to feel a kick with my hand and not in my belly. Poor baby (and Lindsay), apparently the fervency with which I poked my precious baby's cheeks is similar to how I poke around on a pregnant belly. Ha. Took me 8 months to put that together. I was all about poking Sammy, pre and post birth. *sigh*

I am excited to see Iz and the family next week! *smile* My bro John is getting married! I know my immediate family will be there and some extended family lives in the Chicago area so I'm assuming they will be there...can't wait to see everyone and celebrate.

Sammy's cabin is being built and will be used for an overnight camp next week! This has barely been on my radar but the closer I get to seeing it the more excited I get. My dad (and grandpa) volunteer at this little camp in south central Minnesota. It is definitely their labor of love. Sometime last year they decided to build some smaller cabins (sleeps 6 I think) and in the fall my dad started planning a Sammy memorial benefit to raise money for a cabin to be built in his honor. The benefit was in January and the cabins are almost done. I will get a chance to see it after the wedding.

Which reminds me, my SIL Linda (Iz's mom) sent an email about a 3k family walk/run that String of Pearls does every year. I have a few details to work out but I would loooove to do that and you might see some kind of button for donations or tracking donations on the side of this page soon. String of Pearls is a fantastic organization that sends packages to parents of babies that are faced with a fatal diagnosis. Mine was personalized - that's the kind of care they take. I'll talk more about them in another post soon. Check out their website!

I am so grateful to have family that continues to want to honor Sammy. Life has been a little crazy and Sammy has not been the only one vying for constant attention in my mind. Just when I am starting to feel bad about the nothing I doing to keep him in everyone's memory someone gets a great idea on how to honor him. I am blessed.

8 months

It's been 8 months. I miss my boy.

I wish life were simple. I wish that when the Lord lavished me with gifts my heart would find contentment there and not ache at the loss in this world. I wish I did not get frustrated with myself for feeling this way.

Last time I cried like this I'm pretty sure Sammy was in my belly and I was crying for future peace on his birthday. I tried to pretend the crying was for something back then. It felt less selfish somehow.

Thank you Jesus for that peace 8 months ago. I know it is in Your hand every day and more often than not I feel it. Thank you for the *perfect* purse and the flowers.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun will not smite you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The LORD will protect you from all evil;

He will keep your soul.

The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in

From this time forth and forever.

Psalm 121

makin' the rounds..

I can't get this little story out of my head so I will make it mine and pass it on....

The Brave Little Soul

John Alessi

with edits by Sammy's Mommy

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."

The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?", he asked.

God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you. Samuel David."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little Sammy, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his struggles and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. He happened. God was pleased.

Sammy at school and feelings

Wednesday I got to show some pictures of Sammy to my kiddo's at school! It was so natural and sweet the way it came up.

I get lots of pictures of my sweet Isabel and usually say "awww" and every now and then utter a "she's so fat!" while I squeeze my phone. (it's totally healthy fat and she's 6 months old so it's ok to say that AND she's 4 states away so she doesn't actually hear me say it...) Love her pictures. So (Principal A skip to the next paragraph if you're reading) during writers workshop one day while the kids were putting the finishing touches on their masterpieces, I got a most precious, chubbilicous picture and said all that up there^^. And then showed the kids the picture of Iz sitting in the grass, of course eating it, with her wonderful belly protruding through her shirt.

One of my students asked "Mrs. Lucido, did you take any pictures of YOUR baby when it was born?"

Me: "Yes, I did, I might have one, would you like to see it?"

And then lil T across from the little girl asking me the questions almost had a heart attack. Lil T is the student who admonishes them, whenever it comes up, that 'we're not supposed to talk about that!' I thought he was gonna pass out.

But I found a couple pictures on my old phone that I had taken the night Sammy was born and walked around the room showing the kiddo's the picture as they worked on their writing. Of course they thought his cheeks were the greatest :-) and loved that I called him fat too.

Little girl: "Mrs. Lucido - I'm sorry about your baby."

Me: "Me too, sometimes it makes me sad."

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I had a wonderful conversation yesterday with one of my coworkers about how all the life that has happened in the last year really has made me a better person. One of the biggest lessons I'm still learning is about feelings. They are what they are! Acknowledge them, figure out their root and there you have one of the keys to a full life.

It's not easy though...nothing worth while is ever too easy is it? When I'm acknowledging my feelings and what causes them, then I also need to have the patience and grace to allow the people around me to have their feelings...maybe it's just this grief process but I don't think so. Avoiding true feelings can become so easy, so routine, that we don't even know we're doing it. That I don't even know I'm doing.

Most recently, I have found that my irritation with *that person over there* is that they are exhibiting the same qualities that detest in myself. Ya'll it took me 4 days, Bible Study, Wednesday night prayer, and my counselor asking great questions (deep ones like, "why do you feel that way?" *rolling eyes*) for me to realize it. And then it happened *again* this week.

side note: if you know me in real life, all the **'s make more sense. I'm an expressive talker :-) user of my entire body to make a great point. It's hard to convey that over the www.

So to wrap up this amazingly scattered post:

• feelings are real, what caused them might be junk - it's worth while to figure that out
• I am irritated with myself sometimes and take it out on other people (ouch)
• my kiddo's got to see pictures of Sammy and that made me happy!

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.

Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.

Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Give, and it will be given to you.

A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.

For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher. <---ooh - there's another lesson for me here

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

Luke 6:37-45

my God is so big

so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do.

watch here

I don't know that child but it is a fantastic version of the song in my head these days.

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy.

Job 38:4-7

He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime; moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in ALL his toil--it is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it, for God has so worked that men should fear Him. That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks what has passed by.

Ecclesiastes 3:9-15