d-day

Yesterday was d-day. The one year anniversary of diagnosis day. The day started out OK really. I was feeling like myself for the first time in weeks and actually got my table at work cleaned off to its usually level of cleanliness. And then I had to deal with the stupid hospital bill and it all went down hill from there.

I drove home from work thinking about the change that occurred in my life a year ago. The overall memory from that day is sitting in our living room crying the day away. Explaining to a few people on the phone what was going on...and then life was a blur until Memorial Day weekend when we started our cross country tour with Sammy.

This morning I woke up and put the iPod on shuffle. By the time I got to work I was feeling all sad from listening to sad songs - duh. I hadn't told anyone about yesterday being one of "the days" so it was extra surprising to see *2* new flower arrangements on my table when I walked into the classroom! I had received one last week from a co-worker so that made 3 beautiful arrangements. It felt good to have a clean table covered with flowers. My friends had chatted and knew the date was sometime around Mother's Day and just happened to choose today as the day to bring flowers. *smile* Perfect timing and a great start to the day.

I learned something new about myself tonight and it seems counter-intuitive to me. I have always said I'm a "realist" (that's a pessimist code for pessimistic) and tonight I realized that the last year has made me into more of a optimist.

What? Who said that? Are you kidding me? Bad things don't make one an optimist!

For real. I want to buy every wall hanging or piece of art that says something cheesy about happiness or joy. Because ya'll, I will be the first one to tell you that if you are looking for those things to happen in life - they won't. Happiness, joy, contentment are gifts from God that come from a deeper peace. I know who my Savior is and the all encompassing nature of grace, mercy, and love that He bestows on me, not because of anything I have done or deserve, actually in spite of everything I've done.

I am more joyfully embracing the past because I am beginning to see the effects it has had on me. Thank you Jesus for guarding my heart and providing me with an amazing support system in my family, friends, church, and coworkers.

I am not perfect. *haha* This has been the crankiest week I've had in a long time, mingled with lots of sad, and a little pity every now and then for good measure. But tonight I can say, once again and completely honestly, that I am a better person because of all the ish that I am walking through.

And when I am heavenly minded (forever! in Heaven!), these troubles *do* seem light and momentary...

Mother's Day 2011

this year's Mother's Day gift

It's been a good day. Last year this reality was not imaginable. But here I am.

I was comforted again today by a quote I saw last fall, after Sammy was born:

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth.

Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me

through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely

caught up in what he is doing

that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."

Obviously I've spent a lot of time thinking about Heaven and wondering what it might be like. I started reading Heaven Is For Real today and love that it seems to jive right along with my current thoughts on the topic. I'm all about how Heaven is not bound by time...it helps me to think that Sammy isn't up there missing me (I mean, in the presence of Jesus, I'm sure I'm not a second thought, but I sure do miss him).

I was blessed at church when my Pastor talked about the "nurturing mother spirit" that lots of women have and use in the church. Honestly, an accurate phrase for what I feel today is "almost mother". But shoot, I *do* have a nurturing mother tendency...

7 months

Today is 7 months since Sammy was born.

My momma is here visiting for Mother's Day.

My list of online-friends-who-had-babies-like-Sammy-last-year-that-aren't-pregnant-again has dwindled to 1. I love love love seeing their ultrasound photo's and gorgeous little profile shots. I am a *little* jealous but not enough to "try" and get pregnant.

I plugged a couple parking meters for Stevie on my way to buying out my most favorite store ever, Anthropologie.

I flipped out when I saw Starbucks brought the Mocha Coconut Frap to the mainland (they had them in Hawaii when I was there 4 years ago). Delish, my new drink of choice for the summer.

It's a minefield week. Mother's Day. 1 year since the diagnosis day. I've used up all the good graces of my co-workers in the last couple weeks so I've got this invisible, self imposed pressure mounting to keep it together for the next 5 weeks...

So tomorrow we are spring cleaning the house, planting flowers, and trying not to think about what could have been...

endure

The needle catches the knot and drags it through to the front. Where it is not supposed to be seen…hands shaking, mind spinning, heart pumping…

“There are 3 things that will”

endure. why? Rip it out, hands still shaking, voice still trembling…rethread the needle and start over.

The needle pokes through, pulling the walnut brown river of thread behind. Stitch. Back stitch. Back stitch…hands shaking, mind spinning, heart pumping, voice trembling, needle drags the knot thru AGAIN. Pull it all out. Calmly set it aside for another day. Why is “endure” so hard?

There are three things that will endure –

faith, hope, and love.

And the greatest of these is

love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

no one told me it might be ugly...it might leave gaping holes...

bein' real

I've had some rough days recently...before and on my wonderful beach get away. I guess I just want to reassure you all, before you read my thoughts, that I am ok *smile* I have a wonderful support system. I am learning to love and serve a wonderful God. And life can be hard.

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14