grief monster

I'm finally remembering to right, ahem, write (thanks Dave, embarrassing)about this...at least I don't think I've told ya'll this yet. *shrug* Way back in April, when I got to hang on the beach for a week I also got to do some shopping and tv watching.

Leigh (my most fantastic 2010-2011 1st grade teaching partner - I'm teaching Kindergarten next year so I have a new team! I will miss her...) invited me to her parents house in Florida. It was perfect, I think I had to remind myself to breath all week, that was the extent of what I *had* to do. One day we sat and watched an old Oprah on DVR.

The first story was about a grandma who carried her grandchild because her daughter wasn't able. It was interesting...the next story was about an NFL player who's daughter needed a heart and was finally able to get one when another baby boy was not going to live and his mama donated his heart. Leigh totally asked if it was ok to watch and honestly it was. I ended up getting upset at Oprah!

Ya'll she sprung a first time face to face meeting between the parents of the two babies. The baby boy who's heart was donated had an 11 year old sister and she was a wreck. Oprah brought out the NFL player and his family, including the little girl who had the new heart. They had not been allowed to meet or even talk about the actual dates of the heart transplant because that is the protocol or something. I was MAD. That poor 11 year old, still grieving the loss of her baby brother (he was a few months old when he died), had to face the little girl who got to live. Both families were in such shock they didn't say much. I am still mad about it (obviously). But that is not my point. I watched both stories with little to no emotion, Leigh teared up a bit...and it was time for supper.

The next day we went to the mall. Leigh's little girl A is the most perfect shopping 2 year old ever. She's actually 2 1/2 now but ya'll, they got her trained to sit in her stroller and munch and drink while the adults around her shop. Leigh *might* have to raise my children or at least teach me her magic parenting skills. We went to baby Gap or something and it was a little hard...and then right out side Leigh's mom decided to get a pretzel. I almost lost it.

A no-salt pretzel with hot salsa cheese and a Coke was one of the first unnaturally delicious foods that I ate last summer after my sickness was over. I will never forget how much satisfaction I felt in the parking garage outside Macy's when I ate that. MMMMMMm. Marshmallow Dream bars from Starbucks had the same effect. Pregnancy taste buds are crazy.

Grief is a monster that is somewhat unpredictable. Watching a show about a baby donating his heart? All clear. Pretzel stand at the mall? TEARS.

Oh - I don't know if I ever mentioned here that Sammy's heart valves were actually not used. We got a letter sometime last fall that there was no need for them in the time that they were viable in our area. So strange.

:-) I've decided to stop drinking soda so that I can be in better shape for the 5k. I still don't think jogging/running this year will happen, but ? maybe? Still dreaming about the t-shirts but don't have anything in process yet...better get on that. Tomorrow might be the day I get my plane ticket! I've registered myself and have yet to register our team (kinda waiting to see if Dave, Duane, John, and Lisa will be able to join us). So far $325 has been donated and is chillin' in my paypal account. Woohoo!

the weekend

There is this older worship song that I heard twice this weekend. Friday night my cousin Anniee and I went to a prayer meeting at a little old country church in southern Minnesota. It just so happens to the church where my grandpa gave his heart to the Lord 6osomething years ago. It's a prayer center now and the last Friday of every month they have a special speaker come in. Last week it was a "prophetic evangelist". I can't even lie, I made fun of the dude all day Friday before I heard him speak. Semantics. He talked about letting the Holy Spirit lead your conversations and it was a good.

Anyway, during the worship part of the evening we started singing an older worship song, a song that really has grated on my nerves until last Friday.

Over the mountains and the seas

Your river runs with love for me

I will open up my heart and let the healer set me free

I'm happy to be in the truth so I will daily lift my hands

and I will always sing of when you're love come down

I could sing of your love forever..etc x100

The x100 is what really got on my nerves. yeeesh. But as we were singing it Friday night I realized I *could and will* sing of the Lord's love forever AND I got this glimpse of a fat baby in heaven singing of God's love forever.

It happened again on Sunday when the same song was sung during worship and I made a pact to not let my baby to out praise me...although, let's be real, you know he's learned some stuff up there.

I'm tired of trying to fill the voids in my life with temporary junk. Anthropologie (OMG I love that store so much) will not have enough cute clothes, purses, or housewares to make me happy. No relationship can avoid letting me down. Live music at a super cool venue with my fantastic cousins will not sustain my joy (it will however, make my old ears ring).

Today I will rest in the Lord's love. He promises to *never* leave me (or you) and gives us His joy to be our strength...if we accept Him and let Him. He pursues me with just the right amount of pushiness. This is what I was created for, He is the satisfaction of the longing in my soul...I will wait, I will endure, I will see His glory for eternity.

Be strong and of good courage,

do not fear nor be afraid of them;

for the LORD your God,

He is the One who goes with you.

He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

And we know that in all things

God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

For I am convinced that neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers,

neither height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from

the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

For God did not send his Son

into the world to condemn the world,

but to save the world through him.

John 3:17

Sammy's Cabin, a giveaway FAIL, and stuff

*sammy's cabin in process! inaugural campers*

So much I want to tell ya'll about. Post-it notes cover my computer. ^ look! The cabin! My dad raised the money for it and in doing so was the impetus for 2 other cabins to be built as well. I get to write a plaque that will be posted on the wall and choose some pictures to be placed in the cabin as well. I shared a bit about Sammy with those boys. Guess what word they used to describe the cabin? Seriously - guess. If you guess the correct answer I will send you one of our Team Sammy t-shirts that are currently being designed...and that's my first blog giveaway :-) <----Giveaway FAIL, little dude said the cabin provided "peace". All the praying and crying I did for Sammy's birth/death was not in vain! It made my heart smile to know God answered that prayer for me and was continuing to answer it unbeknownst to me.

*a chunk of a 10 month old boy just sat down across from me in the coffee shop and won't stop staring*i can hardly concentrate*

I haven't mentioned Lulu's mama yet! Last Friday I got to meet one of my online friends in real life. It was so perfect and so God. We only had an hour but it was exactly what we both needed. Lulu was born on October 4th, her mama sent me the "love is" necklace, it was very special to get to spend some time with her.

I'm feeling so good about *life* that I've started a plan for how to get a grief support group thingy going in the fall. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope has just the laid back approach that I want to take (ie: whatever works). It's gonna be real grassroots so I went on a mommy website and started a profile. It was the first time I got to list my child and his birthdate. *smile* I was proud, even if the note had to say "born still".

We get to register as "Team Sammy" for the 5k/3k. With a donation of $250 and at least 4 people we get to have a spot set aside for us, with a banner, and our team name announced as it starts. *smile* Did I mention our cute t-shirts? *smile* Official Team Sammy walkers at this time are his mama, Nana Shelly, Auntie Linda, and Isabel.

Don't forget to check the Parker Family 5k tab at the top of the page for more information. Also feel free to donate using the button under CHEEKS!

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth

does not become tired or weary

...those who wait upon the Lord

shall renew their strength..."

Isaiah 40:28, 31

the waiting

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction;

the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest

if we do not give up."

Galations 6:7-9

For since the beginning of world men have not heard,

nor perceived by the ear,

neither hath the eye seen,

O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared

for him that waiteth for him."

Isaiah 64:4

Claimin' it. And waitin'.

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14

look out world...

...here comes a rush of overly edited, tryin' to be artsy fartsy photo's since Melissa found out about Instagram.

Mom's idea to make a couple candles out of the leftover wax from John and Lisa's rehearsal dinner scraps. I want that housey lookin' utensil holder. I'm sorry about all the wax everywhere in the kitchen.

1. embroidered flour sack towel

2. homemade rhubarb jam in that jar

3. flowers from the garden

4. the wonderful smell of the "ditch rose"

5. the colors and prints of the fabrics

Reasons I want to be my mom when I grow up or things that make me happy in this photo.

Gratitude is a quality similar to electricity:

it must be produced and discharged and used up in order to exist at all.

~William Faulkner

ps - it's summer break for me. that ='s time to craft and blog. :-)

pps - don't forget to check out the tab for the Parker family 5k at the top of the page

feelings...oh boy...

So many stories of so much love to go with this simple picture. I remember one of the first times I wanted to throw something because of the simple truth of what my Pastor was saying...I don't know why anger or excitement makes me want to throw stuff (I have not, to my recollection, ever thrown anything in such instances, just wanted to).

It's Sammy green. I didn't notice that until today.

I love/hate talking about feelings these days. I have found freedom and peace in acknowledging the truth of what I'm feeling. It's still hard sometimes, to admit or get past the reasons why.

I love gifts and this was a gift from one of my brother's best friend's mom. Follow? Mary is a sweetie who spent some time last Thursday evening listening to me rant about how important feelings are and showed up the next day with this. So perfect.

And I really am excited. So excited, maybe because I'm sitting in Panera, tummy full from the Sierra Turkey sandwich with my pink whale cup full of Diet Pepsi...or maybe because God is using His Word and His people to show me the simplicity and complexity of His love.

On the back of this notepad it says it's for children ages 5-9. If acknowledging feelings is childish, count me in.

"But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me;

for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19:14

pics and such

She's gorgeous. She looks like her mama :-)

Yesterday was Isabel's first Twins game and her dad's first Twins game at the new outdoor field. The weather was perfect and Isabel was too :-) Check out the new "page" tab at the top of the blog for more info on the Parker Family 5k/3k Run/Walk (this fits in this paragraph because Linda suggested the 5k in the first place).

My cousin Deshi asked awhile back what colors I would like in a special project that she was going to do for me...and this was it! So gorgeous! She took all the photo's for the "Samuel" - LOVE. And threw in the "Sammy" behind it - the verse.

love bears all things

love believes all things

love hopes all things

love endures all things

love never fails

Jesus - show me Your love that can do all these things...my love seems more often to fail...

this week - brain dump

Iz

I'm getting to spend some amazing time with my family and my sweetest niece ever. She was hypnotized by the beautiful baby on the computer screen...that same baby she sees in the mirror every time we check it out.

It's easier for me to not think about "what if"s when there are no babies around. Actually, I think the preplanning for having Iz and Sammy grow up together is what makes me think about what if. I didn't think about all the other babies in my life interacting with Sammy. Other babies don't *bother* me, well, as long as they don't have red hair...hmmm, ok, weird tangent over. Within moments of playing with Isabel and squeezing her chunky punky self I wondered how big Sammy would look next to her and how'd they would be interacting...what 2 infants at John and Lisa's wedding would have been like...please notice that my locket fell open at some point when we were taking pictures...right behind Isabel's shoulder you can see Sammy's hat and cheek :-)

The wedding was GORGEOUS. So beautiful. Lisa had my favorite wedding hair to-date (better than mine for sure) and it went with her dress style...so pretty. Their vows were perfectly them as was most of the wedding. So happy to have another SIL. I wish I had remembered my camera, then I could have some pictures to show...Thursday night I got to meet up with an Internet friend, Lulu's mama K, who I have been emailing with since the week of Sammy and her births. (that sentence hurts my feelings but I'm too tired to fix it). I missed out on meeting Stevie's mama K, but hope to catch up with her while I'm in MN this week.

Started reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan today, loving it. It confirms lots of my thoughts lately so I am encouraged and compelled. I got to hang with some of my cousins today that I haven't had a chance to spend much time with in the last 5 years. I really do love my family.

Oh - and don't forget the donate button ------> over there. I've decided to start jogging (Monday - ha ha) and see how far I can jog this year, with the goal of making it the whole 5k next year. I've received 4 donations! So exciting. String of Pearls is a great organization..I'll add a tab soon with all the info in one place...

the ornament...

Here is the ornament that I finally had glazed in late November. Remember that I time I went into a pottery shop sobbing? Yeah. Of course it's Louisiana so they had a ceramic 'gator for me to paint and attach. Dave found the wonderful ornament display candle holder thingy and it's been on the mantel every since.

String of Pearls sent the ornament and blue paint in their kit. I wish I had thought to try and find a couple more of my own to hoard, or give to grandparents, whatever. This is extra precious because it's the only handprint we could get. Foot molds and foot prints, no problem, but my tough baby was not unfurling those fists for nothin'.

I am so thankful for the kit SoP sent. I gave my mom and SIL-Laura the instructions for everything and said "figure it out" because I wanted to focus on squishing and poking those cheeks. It's exciting to have the opportunity to support their organization while remembering and honoring my boy.

July 30th - Parker Family 5k Run/Walk

details *woo hooo!*

Oooooooooooooh my goodness. I received my first donation! *smilesmilesmile* I had no idea how happy that would make me feel. I am so excited to plan for this. Immediately after getting that email I started planning the extra special love I want to put on my t-shirt...

I also realized that in my excitement to announce I left out some important details. So here's my attempt to fill in some blanks, ask away if you have more questions.

All money donated here, 100%, will go directly to String of Pearls. I paying for my own entry fee and flight to Colorado (as well as any other expenses on the trip.) Superfluous detail - this year I will be walking but next year my goal is to run (with a smile for my stepdad who says runners are never smiling). Do runners eat brownies for breakfast? Opps.

The event is on Saturday July 30th in Parker, Colorado. I have no idea where that is but my SIL does so I'm trusting it's not far from Denver.

New Orleans - watch out...this girl is learning some things...getting ready to start doing some things...

our first run/walk

hey ya'll,

So excited. It looks like it will work out for most of the family to participate in the Parker Family 5k/3k run/walk to benefit String of Pearls! I am pumped!

I added a donate button through Paypal, if you would to sponsor our walk and support this excellent organization, click on the button under the CHEEKS! picture. *smile*

String of Pearls is an organization that works to support parents who have received a fatal diagnosis for a baby during pregnancy. Laura was in touch with me through email after my mom reached out to her. They sent a kit for me collect memories of the too short time we had with Sammy...foot molds, the handprint Christmas ornament, a photo book that inspired me to make Sammy's grands and great grands their own brag book...I can't imagine how lame my memory collection would have been if it were not for this organization.

I also used Pearl's birth plan to help guide Sammy's (which I should totally post here, mental note).

Please donate and support this fantastic organization that reaches out to help families at a most difficult time.

**so excited**we're making t-shirts!**they are gonna rock!**

**more info to follow**

no cards for that

*or the one where I ramble on and on about randomly connected events*

woo hoo - almost "summer". Yesterday was our last day with kiddos.

I have Dave's Father's Day gift already and while I was in CVS last night, in the card section, I started looking at cards. Thank goodness I had just had an ice cream cone (Creole Creamery) and was overloaded with caffeine. I was able to laugh and joke with my friend about the lack of Father's Day cards for situations like ours.

I felt my first not-Sammy kicks last night. I got to spend the evening with my friend Lindsay who's due in July and she sat long enough for him to get movin'. I haven't felt a lot of pregnant bellies in my life and last night was the first time I was able to recognize a kick for what it was, and compare it to my own experience. It was shocking to feel a kick with my hand and not in my belly. Poor baby (and Lindsay), apparently the fervency with which I poked my precious baby's cheeks is similar to how I poke around on a pregnant belly. Ha. Took me 8 months to put that together. I was all about poking Sammy, pre and post birth. *sigh*

I am excited to see Iz and the family next week! *smile* My bro John is getting married! I know my immediate family will be there and some extended family lives in the Chicago area so I'm assuming they will be there...can't wait to see everyone and celebrate.

Sammy's cabin is being built and will be used for an overnight camp next week! This has barely been on my radar but the closer I get to seeing it the more excited I get. My dad (and grandpa) volunteer at this little camp in south central Minnesota. It is definitely their labor of love. Sometime last year they decided to build some smaller cabins (sleeps 6 I think) and in the fall my dad started planning a Sammy memorial benefit to raise money for a cabin to be built in his honor. The benefit was in January and the cabins are almost done. I will get a chance to see it after the wedding.

Which reminds me, my SIL Linda (Iz's mom) sent an email about a 3k family walk/run that String of Pearls does every year. I have a few details to work out but I would loooove to do that and you might see some kind of button for donations or tracking donations on the side of this page soon. String of Pearls is a fantastic organization that sends packages to parents of babies that are faced with a fatal diagnosis. Mine was personalized - that's the kind of care they take. I'll talk more about them in another post soon. Check out their website!

I am so grateful to have family that continues to want to honor Sammy. Life has been a little crazy and Sammy has not been the only one vying for constant attention in my mind. Just when I am starting to feel bad about the nothing I doing to keep him in everyone's memory someone gets a great idea on how to honor him. I am blessed.

8 months

It's been 8 months. I miss my boy.

I wish life were simple. I wish that when the Lord lavished me with gifts my heart would find contentment there and not ache at the loss in this world. I wish I did not get frustrated with myself for feeling this way.

Last time I cried like this I'm pretty sure Sammy was in my belly and I was crying for future peace on his birthday. I tried to pretend the crying was for something back then. It felt less selfish somehow.

Thank you Jesus for that peace 8 months ago. I know it is in Your hand every day and more often than not I feel it. Thank you for the *perfect* purse and the flowers.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun will not smite you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The LORD will protect you from all evil;

He will keep your soul.

The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in

From this time forth and forever.

Psalm 121

makin' the rounds..

I can't get this little story out of my head so I will make it mine and pass it on....

The Brave Little Soul

John Alessi

with edits by Sammy's Mommy

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."

The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?", he asked.

God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you. Samuel David."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little Sammy, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his struggles and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. He happened. God was pleased.

Sammy at school and feelings

Wednesday I got to show some pictures of Sammy to my kiddo's at school! It was so natural and sweet the way it came up.

I get lots of pictures of my sweet Isabel and usually say "awww" and every now and then utter a "she's so fat!" while I squeeze my phone. (it's totally healthy fat and she's 6 months old so it's ok to say that AND she's 4 states away so she doesn't actually hear me say it...) Love her pictures. So (Principal A skip to the next paragraph if you're reading) during writers workshop one day while the kids were putting the finishing touches on their masterpieces, I got a most precious, chubbilicous picture and said all that up there^^. And then showed the kids the picture of Iz sitting in the grass, of course eating it, with her wonderful belly protruding through her shirt.

One of my students asked "Mrs. Lucido, did you take any pictures of YOUR baby when it was born?"

Me: "Yes, I did, I might have one, would you like to see it?"

And then lil T across from the little girl asking me the questions almost had a heart attack. Lil T is the student who admonishes them, whenever it comes up, that 'we're not supposed to talk about that!' I thought he was gonna pass out.

But I found a couple pictures on my old phone that I had taken the night Sammy was born and walked around the room showing the kiddo's the picture as they worked on their writing. Of course they thought his cheeks were the greatest :-) and loved that I called him fat too.

Little girl: "Mrs. Lucido - I'm sorry about your baby."

Me: "Me too, sometimes it makes me sad."

-----------------------------------------------------------

I had a wonderful conversation yesterday with one of my coworkers about how all the life that has happened in the last year really has made me a better person. One of the biggest lessons I'm still learning is about feelings. They are what they are! Acknowledge them, figure out their root and there you have one of the keys to a full life.

It's not easy though...nothing worth while is ever too easy is it? When I'm acknowledging my feelings and what causes them, then I also need to have the patience and grace to allow the people around me to have their feelings...maybe it's just this grief process but I don't think so. Avoiding true feelings can become so easy, so routine, that we don't even know we're doing it. That I don't even know I'm doing.

Most recently, I have found that my irritation with *that person over there* is that they are exhibiting the same qualities that detest in myself. Ya'll it took me 4 days, Bible Study, Wednesday night prayer, and my counselor asking great questions (deep ones like, "why do you feel that way?" *rolling eyes*) for me to realize it. And then it happened *again* this week.

side note: if you know me in real life, all the **'s make more sense. I'm an expressive talker :-) user of my entire body to make a great point. It's hard to convey that over the www.

So to wrap up this amazingly scattered post:

• feelings are real, what caused them might be junk - it's worth while to figure that out
• I am irritated with myself sometimes and take it out on other people (ouch)
• my kiddo's got to see pictures of Sammy and that made me happy!

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.

Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.

Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Give, and it will be given to you.

A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.

For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher. <---ooh - there's another lesson for me here

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

Luke 6:37-45