endure

The needle catches the knot and drags it through to the front. Where it is not supposed to be seen…hands shaking, mind spinning, heart pumping…

“There are 3 things that will”

endure. why? Rip it out, hands still shaking, voice still trembling…rethread the needle and start over.

The needle pokes through, pulling the walnut brown river of thread behind. Stitch. Back stitch. Back stitch…hands shaking, mind spinning, heart pumping, voice trembling, needle drags the knot thru AGAIN. Pull it all out. Calmly set it aside for another day. Why is “endure” so hard?

There are three things that will endure –

faith, hope, and love.

And the greatest of these is

love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

no one told me it might be ugly...it might leave gaping holes...

bein' real

I've had some rough days recently...before and on my wonderful beach get away. I guess I just want to reassure you all, before you read my thoughts, that I am ok *smile* I have a wonderful support system. I am learning to love and serve a wonderful God. And life can be hard.

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14

shelter

shelter: something beneath, behind, or within which a person

animal, or thing, is protected

from storms, missiles, adverse conditions;

refuge

I don't know if it was before or after that last post that I started thinking about shelter...how I want the Lord to be my shelter, my rock, my fortress. The more I thought about a shelter and visualized it in my mind I realized that shelter is something you have to seek out. It's not like I can stand in the middle of field and call for shelter and it will come. Sometimes, I am already sheltered, in my house when the rain and hail starts pouring down. And sometimes I need to make a run for the door to escape the pelting rain (New Orleans does *serious* rain, none of this sprinkle all day business).

So today I will dwell in the shelter of the Most High. I do trust the Lord and even when it doesn't feel like it, or I forget all the love He has poured on me, I will rest in the promise of His Word.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you

from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”

and you make the Most High your dwelling,

no harm will overtake you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91

blessings

by Laura Story

Check it out on iTunes. I heard it first when I was in Colorado, you couldn't buy the single then. I saw something tonight that reminded me of her and the song so I looked it up and bought it. It's one of those songs that makes me want to throw stuff (I don't know why I have always had this desire to throw things when I get frustrated...I remember it happening in church occasionally when my Pastor would make some great point or I could see where he was taking some particularly simple concept that I had never grasped before...I've visualized chuckin' my phone a few times after hard conversations...don't know if I've actually thrown anything since I moved away from my brothers *smile*.)

As hard as life is right now, I feel like I'm trying to get a sip of water from a fire hydrant when it comes to understanding spiritual truths. Especially when all I have to do is sit around on the beach and ponder the mysteries of life...so here is one of my deep thoughts from today.

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

And what if the trials of your life are His mercies in disguise?

Blessings - Laura Story

I can't find the quote from The Shack but it goes something like "It might take 47 experiences for you to learn 1 important thing. And I am joyful after the first experience that there are only 46 left." (this is "God" talking in the book, and I don't know or think that this is a biblical concept but it certainly is a hopefully one, so maybe it is? *shrug* not my point today.)

Both of these quotes remind me that there is a short way to do things and a long way. Not to say that the short way is less painful, it's just shorter. Time to be brutally honest. I will tell you all day long about how faithful and trustworthy my God is. Have I always declared this? No way. I have some great friends who have partnered me on this journey and can attest to the struggles I've had with faith and trust. Ya'll, I could write all day about the multitude of ways I have seen God's faithfulness and trustworthiness evidenced in my life.

But if I'm honest...right now...today...after all this *waving my hands around at the last 13 months* I still question His love. Which probably means all that faith and trust I think I have knowledge of is sham-knowledge. Because what is all that knowledge without love?

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,

and if I have faith that can move mountains,

but do not have love,

I am nothing.

1 Cor 13:2

So here's hoping I can find and trust the short path...I don't want to have 1,000 sleepless nights to know that the Lord has been near every one of those nights...I don't want to have to learn about anything 47 times *le sigh* and I am reminded that all this is not about the destination but rather about the journey. *le double sigh*

spring break!

Treasure Island, Florida

Ooooooh goodness. It's the perfect start to a hopefully wonderful week. I am continuing to slowly read and live my way through One Thousand Gifts (OTG) and started The Shack yesterday. A little light reading for my week off (ha ha). It's spring break for us and sooo deserving after we took our kids on a field trip each day last week. We had to, we're not that crazy, it was state testing week and we had to get the K-2 classes out of the building so the big kids could test in peace. *rolling eyes* But! We survived and then left New Orleans for the beautiful beaches of Florida.

I spent some time in the ocean this morning watching and feeling the waves roll in. Thought of so many great metaphors for my life lately. Sometimes, sorrows do seem to "roll like sea billows". The important thing about being "in the sea" is to keep your head above water...today it was my visual for living a spiritual life in a physical world. When those sorrows are rolling and creeping up on "the physical" it's important for me to keep my head fixed on things above, "the spiritual".

I hope to write a couple more times this week. OTG continues to blow my mind. I read one chapter on the way to a field trip destination and was almost in tears at the amazingness of what I read and the prayer it brought to my heart for my friends' baby. And the next chapter started with the sentence "God and I, we've long had trust issues." I literally laughed out loud as we pulled into our destination...if there is anything I *think* I understand it's trust issues. SMH This book, I tell you. Purchased 3 more copies last week, and have about 5 people I want to give the book too. :-) Buy the book people. AND read it.

Enjoy your Monday - *happy anniversary to Mom and Duane!*

new favorites, lotsa links, made up words

**I semi apologize for the incohesive nature of this post but I can't paraphrase Ann's blog

so you should just go read it.

Am I a jerk if I point out that clicking on any underlined text in this post will take you to a link?

Because it will.

And there have been people that didn't know that...just sayin...**

2 books everyone who loves reading (and crying and being challenged) should read:

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination - Elizabeth McCracken

One Thousand Gifts - Ann Voskamp

(hence forth referred to as OTG since it will be referred to approx. forever, it's life changing, really)

I have purchased and given away 2 copies of OTG...my copy of Elizabeth's book is also missing...loaned out (is that the right word Amy?) to someone, I've forgotten who. Soon I will go get new copies and put my name in them! (just ordered them (dubs copies) on Amazon).

Anyway - I was doing my blog tour a few minutes ago and decided to check out Ann's blog. Over the past few months a couple other bloggers I read mentioned her and then quoted her book...which led me to an irrational (God) need to purchase the book while I was in Colorado and subsequently give it away twice. So until it's replaced (3x) I read her blog. SMH.

#1 prayer uttered from these lips? "jesus help"

#2 prayer uttered from these lips? "be my strength and my song"

Which is odd because I don't sing? I surely don't *write* songs...but I love them?Anyway, tonight I read this: How Emptiness Can Sing <---click there

Amazing. Gonna go meditate on it for a while. Totally makes sense to me. My counselor (oh didn't I mention that? totally seeing a counselor these days) pointed out the voids in my life and how I will have to be intentional about what fills them. Obvious void and gaping hole of emptiness? Sammy. Anything good that has come out of me in the last 10 months has been because I'm trying to learn to let God be my voice, be my song...be the maker of the music of my emptiness...

Just purchased Christa Wells off iTunes and then looked her up. She wrote "Held" and co-wrote "I Will Carry You". SMH How small is this world?

**the word gratitude was stamped on my mind all last fall, made this and started a couple other gratitude craftys. OTG - all about being grateful in EVERYTHING. yes, everything. everything. not just the good parts. everything. gratitude. everything.

**stone ground grits - delish. everything i hoped they'd be and more. if you have a chance, buy them and eat them.

**got to hang with my people from work last night. sooo much fun.

**also - the incohesive nature of this post might be due to the incohesive nature of my brain these days. and incohesive isn't a word but i like that way it sounds better than "not cohesive". what does merriam-webster know anyway?

6 months - my work people

just wanted to share this picture...first I noticed the hair, who wouldn't love to draw all

those squiggly lines? Yes, my hair is that big. A few days later I noticed the

clothes. I can remember wearing black on black once and S doesn't

really have a skirt that color but she wears lots of colorful

skirts and boots. I'm thinking the picture

is more representative

of

our

moods.

ahhhhhhhh. today marks 6 months since the day Sammy was born.

In the craziness of life these last couple months my Sammy grief had taken a backseat. Last week it showed up full force and continues...the only thing I can figure is this 6 month mark. "they" say 6 months is one of the harder markers. I would agree.

I let my people at work know on Monday that it would be a rough week. I am soooo blessed to have people at work! Of course, if this was a face to face conversation you might hear the intricacies of my voice and know that "my people" are something special - not just the general population. *smile* I have people *sigh*. Let me tell you about them.

My 1st grade teammates. I could not have chosen better people to be on a team with. L works so hard and pushes me to be a better teacher (and person really). Her insight has been invaluable this year. Love HER. She has an insatiable quest for knowledge and details about all things important to her, we make quite a pair and let almost nothing go unanswered. *smile*

S...oh S...we are quite the same person. Last week, on a rough day, she asked me a few times if I was ok, I thought I was but looking back, she knew better than me how I was feeling. It's crazy to actually understand exactly what another person is thinking and how she will respond to the things I say because we are so similar. When she tries to explain herself, I can nod and say "oh, I understand exactly what you're thinking/where you're coming from". I don't tell her enough how much I appreciate her and value her and can't even begin to imagine next year without her.

My hallmate. *smile* Last summer when I was all huge and pregnant, I requested the classroom on the first floor (other 1st grade is on the second floor) which put me downstairs with the Kindergarten classrooms. J's mom died 2 years ago and she gets it. Again, it's a little creepy how similar we are...when she says stuff I'm like "yes! me too!" I feel blessed and incredibly lucky to have her across the hall from me. I can storm or sulk into her room at any moment and have a sympathetic ear waiting...and lately "I know it doesn't make sense, but it will get better. It just does." Monday morning she commented on my sweater, it was Sammy green, and I realized she didn't even know that because she hasn't seen pictures! Oh, it makes my eyes well up now. I teared up then, opened my eyes real wide, and said "I feel like such a bad mother, you haven't even seen pictures have you?" and went on to explain about Sammy green and his 6 month day approaching. SMH We will be those crying ladies at the restaurant on Friday night looking at Sammy's pictures.

Meet - my work people who are obviously so much more than my work people. I could write story after story about how much I love them. Yesterday I showed up to work and had a card and a box of Hot Tamales waiting for me and then L & J handed me a bag of food with all the fixin's for a great supper...multiple suppers really and some stone ground grits (I'm sure I will write about these after I make them, a-mazing).

I feel the love today. I am incredibly sad and missin' my boy but I feel the love.

"we love because He first loved us"

1 John 4:19

Isabel in March

Here we are! Pretty sure she's trying to figure out why that lady always talks in a high pitched crazy voice.

And this is why. Isabel - look at yourself. Cank rolls. So gorgeously chub.

She happens to look more like her father in this photo (scowl is all him) but when she smiles, mini-mama.