the most genuine smile I've had for about a month...

Oh my goodness! I knew it would come on a day when I needed it. And here it is. My 7th necklace in honor of my Sammy. I seriously opened, took a picture, and am posting it here. AHHH!

The front "love" was predecided for me. My friend who sent it (mama to Lulu born in October with anencephaly) let me choose what to put on the back. I have no idea how long I thought about it but soon realized it needed to be the word "is".

Because love is. It just is. Even when it seems like there is not a shred of love to be found on this earth - it is. Because God is. Because Jesus is. They are love. They are MY love. And so love is.

I might never take this one off.

I was having another "how am I going to keep on going? why am I going to keep on going?" moments. And then I got home and received my 7th piece of love from Jesus via his peeps here on earth.

ya'll just don't understand. I mean, I hope you do. I hope you get to feel and know the Lord's love the way He so perfectly times it to pour over me.

Album of the moment? "Here is Love" by Bethel Live. Amazing. Loved it and then found out the title. It's a theme I can't escape these days.

love

Dear Life:

...if it wasn't for all that you tried to do

I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

'cause it makes me that much stronger

makes me work a little bit harder

it makes me that much wiser

thanks for making me a fighter

made me learn a little bit faster

made my skin a little bit thicker

makes me that much smarter

so thanks for making me a fighter

Sincerely,

Sammy's mama

ps - thank you Jesus for showin' me how to fight

pps - thanks CA for recording this song thereby giving me a grateful attitude in the midst of some junk

thoughts -

life is too crazy to say a ton so I will drop some knowledge on ya'll in bullet point form. I promise these things BLOW MY MIND. I hope you can pause to consider them too...

*When I am away from Jesus (because I chose to take my eyes off Him, turn from Him, and ignore Him), He misses me the way I miss Sammy...only way more...and He loves me more too...I honestly can barely comprehend that...

*Quote of the week - "not that i'm at all convinced "normal" is anything more than that elusive "something" we chase because our expectations don't match our reality and we want reality to get with the program. and then there's Jesus, in control of our reality and loving us in the midst of it." My friend Alyssa emailed this to me. I felt like it was a little love note from the Lord. Seriously...

*Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1,2

*sigh* these are just a couple of the thoughts on my mind this weekend.

new look

My other cuteness was moving host or server or something I don't care to really understand so I switched back to a standard template.

Thanks for all your prayers. They are definitely holding me up!

:-) <----feeling better today

last year...

this day, one year ago, I woke up and found out a short 10 minutes later I was pregnant.

it's been a hard day. yesterday was hard - thinking about today.

i know other people talk about how hard this day is but i was not anticipating it.

i am reminded of the lifetime of memories i won't have.

last year i was excited, happy, and not yet feeling sick.

i've been forced to say good bye to that woman who was just one short year ago. i know love at a new depth and wince at the innocence that was ripped from me.

especially on nights like tonight.

"be near me Lord Jesus I ask thee to stay

close by me forever and love me I pray

bless all the dear children in thy tender care

and fit us for Heaven to live with thee there"

It's been a busy couple of weeks. <--- What a small stupid sentence that carries what I've been doing inside it...

This week was full of baby news. 2 women I know had their babies and another friend from church announced her pregnancy (woohoo!). And then on Thursday night my mom gave me an update on my niece Isabel. I get almost daily pictures or video's of her new adorable smiles and growing belly - I love it, I love her!

but

she is such a reminder of all that I am missing out on with Sammy.

I am a snooze button hitter. Well, I have Dave hit his snooze button. So I wasn't shocked when yesterday, between one of the snoozes, I had a dream about Sammy, or at first I thought it was him. The baby in the dream was moving and crying...at some point I pushed back the baby's hat and realized the hair was the wrong color (and oh yeah, this baby had a skull) and reality crashed into my dream. I dreamed that I crawled into bed crying because I knew MY Sammy didn't move or cry...and so I woke up crying.

I know this grief and sadness is normal but I also know that Sammy's life was enough. It was just what the Lord intended for his days. I've written this before but it is my heart again, Lord, I know your ways are not my ways, your ways are higher than my ways. But can't you bring me to a little closer (and less painful) acceptance of your ways?

It's getting harder to believe this was a part of my life.

Time.

My body is back to normal, no reminder there. Day to day life has resumed its schedule. I hardly think about the "what could/should have beens". Until it sneaks into my dreams I guess.

Psalm 51:15-17

Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

My sacrifice, O God, is a

broken spirit

a broken and contrite heart
you,

God,

will not despise.

3 months

Meredith Vieira is wearing Sammy green on his 3 month...day...

:-)

My love note from Jesus this am.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Grace in grief

Today I found grace in this horrible cycle that is grief. I feel like I should have (maybe have?) read about this somewhere.

These last 4 days I have seen my lowest points. The deepest most helpless, hopeless, dark moments of my life. And because grief is a cycle...they ended and a new moment began where things weren't so dark, helpless, and hopeless.

If grief was a linear process with rules about how long one had to stay on each of the however many steps, we would be hopeless. Hopeless to move past the step of numb, hopeless to move past the step of sad, the step of anger, the step of bitterness. We would just have to sit and wait it out.

Today I am *thankful* for the cycle of grief. <----crazy talk

Today I am thankful for the cycle of grief.

For in it there is hope, hope that each step is not forever. There is grace from God to meet me where I am and drag me along to a better place. I could not handle all those dark moments in a row, but spaced out with some hope and grace, I am still standing.

But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9