Tuesday, October 6, 2015

the night before your 5th birthday


I miss you. This year was no different than the previous 5 years. My body knows how much I miss you before my mind catches on. 

This year it started with all the friends 2010 babies starting kindergarten. You have a "bad birthday" so you would have been only starting pre-k this year...but I continually lose my breath to see another 2010 baby headed to kindergarten. 

Nana bought Jake a picture book that explains about your part in our life. Jake found it a couple months ago and seeing as we have a few pregnant women in our life he has been fascinated with reading it. 

Our bedroom

We had a slight miscommunication at Mother's Day and Daddy got my 3 babies framed (top right)...which also took my breath away. What I wanted framed was that picture on the bottom left. Samuel, in found object photography, with my life verse printed over your nickname. You have a presence in most of the rooms of the house now.

Sister's room:
I'm sure that red-headed boy is supposed to be Superman but...I see S for Sammy 

Kitchen wind sill above the sink:
I mean, it's been 5 years, there will be some casualties (broken gator tail)
The weather changed last week. I will forever remember the first time I needed a sweater in late September of 2010 outside Suko Thai. It was *only* 80 degrees and there was a *chill* in the air. So every fall when the weather finally changes I think of 2010. I start to think about your birthday. 

First I lose my appetite. Then I just want to sleep. It took a few days for me to get some time alone  this year but within 3 minutes of quiet I realized I was sad.

I have so many questions. Each new stage in Jake and Bellamy's life brings a few more.

I often wonder if you know how much you changed me. The last 5 years have been full. FULL. I wonder if you know that without you it all would have been different.

I miss you. So much.


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35, 37-39

If you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud
This love that He has, given to you, is never in doubt
**David Gray-ish *wink*